dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.