Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!