Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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