1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
