i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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