Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
