Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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