if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
