I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
