you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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