our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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