You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
