I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
