Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
True strength comes from lack of pants
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
