barbara walters just said penis...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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