y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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