I could make wine with my vomit
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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