Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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