And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
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My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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