wrigley field is MILF paradise
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
