ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
