I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
