I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
