he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
