..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
