I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
