You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
