my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So. Much. Porn.
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