I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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