If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
