Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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