I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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