There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
