having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
