my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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