i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Someone signed my nipple.
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