I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
