I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
