I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
