So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
