Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
