I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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