How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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