Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
