I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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