If i come over, it means nothing
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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