Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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