you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
