If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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