is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
