Pants 0. Shit 1.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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