I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
