If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
