remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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