They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think my mom watched the whole time
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
