and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
