how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
