I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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