I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
